Tuesday, October 10, 2006

The Hastert Polyp

It is absolutely critical that important international issues such as the failed Iraq Crusade and the nuclear faceoff in North Korea caused by the cowardly refusal of the timid Bush administration to undertake tough negotiations and dialogue with countries who don't like us be attended to.

There is no good reason for the snivveling Bush to still be supported ("unquestioned"?) by as much as 33% of our populace (unless we are now at a point where a third of the country is certifiably insane). That minority needs to realize that his bullying behavior and stubbornness is basically a cover for an overpowering personal insecurity and ineptitude, or, to summarize, a psycopathology. The rest of the world, including Kim Jong Il, has certainly figured this out by now. Frankly it is astonishing to realize that we share a country with so many folks who don't know a loser when they they see one. We pride ourselves on our tolerance (more in the bragging than the observance of course), but this is a recipe for the destruction of this formerly great republic. I suppose theoretically, institutionalization might be an option for these desperately misguided subscribers to a failed mission, if actually dealing with reality and revisiting their position proves problematic.

But recent encouraging poll results might be interpreted to allow brief recess for further illumination of the Foley affair ("Cage a Foley"?). The desperate republicans, not to mention some "devout christians" (shudder!) have been wanting to paint this as just some misbehavior and sinful conduct by Mr. Foley, nothing else of interest. Wait just a minute there. I still want to know a bit more about the conspicuous attempts at coverup by Hastert, Reynolds, the White House, et al.

Just one example of where this ought to go:

Who will be the GOP's "Woman in Red"?

[Ana Cumpanas (Romania 1889-April 25, 1947), also known as Anna Sage, was a brothel owner in Chicago. She is best known by the moniker "The Woman in Red" who fingered John Dillinger for the FBI.

Cumpanas deserted her husband on February 4, 1932. A year later, she opened a brothel on Halsted Street. By 1934, however, Cumpanas was facing deportation. On July 4, 1934, John Dillinger moved into an apartment Cumpanas owned. After John Dillinger was rumored to have killed two Chicago police officers on May 24 of that year, a large reward had been offered for his capture. On July 22, believing that FBI agent Melvin Purvis would stop her deportation, Cumpanas fingered Dillinger to the FBI, resulting in his shooting outside the Biograph Theater in Chicago. Despite the nickname, Cumpanas was wearing orange.]

Some people believe that the Republican operative most likely to cave in to investigators and sell out the whole operation will be Sue Ralston. She's Karl Rove's aide de camp who recently resigned her position in the White House to spend more time with her subpoenas.

But I have high hopes for Scott Palmer.

Who is Scott Palmer? Lawrence O'Donnell has been wondering the same thing.

He is Speaker Hastert's chief of staff, which makes him the key player in the what-did-Hastert-know-and-when-did-he-know-it drama. Scott Palmer has issued a statement flatly denying that Kirk Fordham, Mark Foley's former chief of staff, warned him that Foley was crossing the line with pages long before Foley's inappropriate email surfaced. Palmer's denial of Fordham's headline-grabbing claim is the thread Hastert's Speakership is now hanging by.

Right! That Scott Palmer! Tell us more, Lawrence…

If Fordham did warn Palmer about Foley a long time ago, what are the odds that Palmer did not tell Hastert? As close to zero as you can get. Many chiefs of staff are close, very close, to their bosses on Capitol Hill. But none are closer than Scott Palmer is to Denny Hastert. They don't just work together all day, they live together.

There are plenty of odd couple Congressmen who have roomed together on Capitol Hill, but I have never heard of a chief of staff who rooms with his boss. It is beyond unusual. But it must have its advantages. Anything they forget to tell each other at the office, they have until bedtime to catch up on. And then there's breakfast for anything they forgot to tell each other before falling asleep. And then there's all day at the office. Hastert and Palmer are together more than any other co-workers in the Congress.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink! SAY NO MORE!! That's a good one! Hastert gay?! That would be really almost too much. I mean, just because he was once a high school wrestling coach (and apparently left that job under a cloud), and that he cohabitates with an unmarried man and has for years, and that his office was instrumental in covering up for Mark Foley, and, and…

Oh, god. I think I'm going to be sick. Is Dennis Hastert gay, too?!

EWWWWWWWW!! EW! EW! EW! EWWWWWWWW!!!!

Duuuuuuuuuuuude! If Denny Hastert is gay, then I'm going to have to start sleeping with women!! ARRRRRRRGH!! My mind! Ohhhhhh, my thinking may never be the same! Brrrrrrrrrrr!!

Say it ain't so!! Denny Hastert, the man who looks like nothing so much as a giant, ambulatory intestinal polyp? A friend of Dorothy? I kind of hope that we're completely off target in this speculation. Even though, were it true, it could well mean that the Republicans are incontrovertably, irreversibly toast, I just don't know if I could accept victory on those terms. Even if it would make James Dobson's head explode, I think I may find myself hoping that all of this is just baseless speculation, and that Denny Hastert never had an unchaste thought about all those eager high school boys in their tight little wrestling singlets. I'm sure his interest in them was purely as an educator.


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