Wednesday, September 17, 2008

We'd Don't Need No Stinking Zapatero Questions!

I guess we'd best deal with McSame's latest gaffe right here at the top. As these things go, the speculation seems to have been all over the map: e.g., he doesn't remember why he agreed to this interview - any encounter with the Spanish language gives him hives, he doesn't know the name of the Prime Minister of Spain (I didn't either), he knows name but suddenly must let out some suppressed anger at Spain from withdrawal of troops from Iraq, he has forgotten the location of Spain and their membership in NATO, he's equivocated so many times on immigration that the mere metrics of Spanish trigger verbal tics, etc., etc. Ever-so-interestingly, the McShame campaign seems to be following the Bush program of believing that lying and upping the risk (e.g., offending important ally) is preferable to admitting to having misunderstood a question. The incredible vanity and narcissism does seem familiar, doesn't it? Pretty astonishing, considering the trouble they have gone to to avoid having the bush-atross ever be seen with them. Well that spectre is with them now.

As with so many things (bread-baking and love-making are first examples to come to mind), patience can be a virtue. A certain amount of smoke seems to have cleared now. I find Josh's sum-up at Talking Points Memo pretty cogent:

After a day of gasps, guffaws and eyes rolled over John McCain's decision to reassign Spanish Prime Minister Zapatero to run an unnamed country in Latin America, it seems we are arriving at a rough consensus about what happened and what part of it matters.

As I posited earlier today, the most logical conclusion is that McCain simply didn't understand the question and tried to wing it. It may have been due to fatigue, lack of attention, confusion or simply an inability to penetrate the interviewer's fairly thick accent, or perhaps a combination of one or more of the above. It is only if you insist on the preposterous assumption that McCain fully understood and grasped what the interviewer was asking him (i.e.,
the position of McCain's foreign policy advisor Randy Scheunemann) that you have to conclude that McCain believes that Spain is a country in Latin America which may be bent on America's destruction.

In itself mishearing or misunderstanding a question isn't the worse thing in the world, though being too proud to ask for the question to be repeated and going with the assumption that the mystery leader must be some Hugo Chavez type character out of Woody Allen's Bananas does suggest a certain recklessness of character.

The McCain campaign might simply have said that he was on the phone and didn't understand. But they're obviously unwilling to do that since they've staked so much of his candidacy on his foreign policy chops.

In any case, a consensus appears to be emerging that the really shocking lapse was not the original gaffe but how the campaign chose to deal with it. Rather than copping to the goof, they decided to stick to the nonsensical statements and risk, should McCain win in November, significant damage to our relations with a major NATO ally. Coming to basically similar conclusions are
Newsweek, Joe Klein in Time, Chris Orr at The New Republic and many others.

So, to restate, I think the simplest explanation is that McCain didn't understand what he was being asked. And instead of trying to clarify, he assumed the interviewer, who had already asked him about Chavez and Castro, must be quizzing him on some other Latin American strongman who was up to know good. As so often with McCain, he tried to wing it. I think the available evidence is consistent which much less generous readings of the event. But this read is plausible. And Scheunemann, whose lack of experience in press work was painfully on display today, acted with characteristically knuckle-headed aggression and doubled-down on McCain's nonsensical statement.

And whatever the misunderstanding, let's face it. When a president or presidential nominees gets confused in an interview, appears to say that a European country is in the Western Hemisphere and inadvertently makes highly belligerent statements toward a major ally, that's a big problem.

(ed.note: For more on the Inane On Spain controversy, check out
Americablog, where John Aravosis has been on the story all through the day.)

I gave that top billing mostly in the spirit of timeliness - these moments of what a critical observer might tick off as yet another fascinatingly different sign of creeping dementia are adding up, and there will likely be another trumping this one very soon. Far more consequential (assuming you have no problem with the idea of a latent dingbat swatting at imaginary moths as a candidate for president thanks to the solid credentials of his running-mate!) is McSame's stance(s) on the economic melt-down. For this I am turning to Ms. Huffington, whose intriguing "Right is Wrong" I have right here awaiting my attention (she is in line behind at least my current reads: Suskind's "Way of the World," Trimble's "Bargaining for Eden," and Eliz. David's "Mediterranean Food").

Adrianna (if I may so call her) is egging Obama on to put some markers down on economic principles, at least beginning to move away from the absurdedly pro-corporation anti-person deregulation near-pogrom that even Bill could not resist signing up to. I'm not sure O is quite there yet, and that is a big concern.

Watching John McCain thundering against Wall Street greed is like tuning into to the old Lawrence Welk show to find him doing a polka version of a hard-core rap song ("A-one and a-two, motherfucker!").

Speaking yesterday outside an auto plant in Grand Rapids, Michigan, McCain read his populist rhetoric -- "These workers here are the best in the world. They are the backbone and foundation of our economy." -- with a robotic cadence dripping with inauthenticity.

Wall Street is melting down, and McCain and the GOP have no credible response. When your erstwhile economic guru, Phil Gramm -- a man whose 1996 run for the presidency McCain chaired, and who appears to remain influential behind-the-McCain-campaign-scenes -- is Patient Zero of this killer economic epidemic, it's pretty hard to suddenly start channeling Upton Sinclair.

McCain is so clearly clueless on this issue, the current battle over who is best suited to deal with the financial crisis should be a rout. And, so far, Obama has shown not just an incomparably greater grasp of the situation and substantive policies to deal with it, but a real fire in the belly in going after McCain's vulnerable flank.

But for Obama to show the kind of transformational leadership the crisis demands, he needs to do what so many of his critics have chided him for not doing: take a stand that puts him at odds with the establishment of his own party. He did it in 2002 with the war in Iraq. He can do it in 2008 with the economy.

He needs to start by making sure that the economic advisers he turns to extend beyond those he had on a conference call on Monday -- Robert Rubin, Lawrence Summers, Laura Tyson, and Paul Volcker. It's great to include graybeards who have been through crises before, but he needs to go beyond the two Treasury Secretaries who were complicit in the 1990s deregulation orgy that has led to so many of the problems we are now seeing. And he needs to make it clear that the Clinton-era Democrats who put the interests of Wall Street ahead of the interests of Main Street are not going to be the primary voices he listens to.

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Speaking at a large rally in Las Vegas on Wednesday, Obama declared: "we can't steer ourselves out of this crisis if we're heading in the same disastrous direction. We can't steer ourselves out of this crisis using the same old map, we can't steer ourselves out of the crisis if the new driver is getting directions from the old driver, and that's what this election is all about."

Bull's-eye. Now he needs to make sure the old drivers in his own party don't have their hands on the wheel -- or are the loudest of his backseat drivers -- as the nation navigates this rocky financial road and charts a new direction.

And, for the record, the music cycling through here as I post has included Ben Harper's "Burn to Shine," the Allman Brothers' Hits, Tracy Chapman's "Telling Stories," and Billy Joel's "The Stranger."

Turning back now to Governor Palin. (I bet you knew we were headed there!)

Anonymous Liberal has some great stuff, taking the pulse of creatures I don't want to share a bus with (though I do):

With the latest round of polls confirming that Obama has recaptured the national lead and that Sarah Palin's favorability rating is sinking rapidly (two developments that I suspect are closely related), the realization that Palin may end up being a liability and not an asset is slowly starting to dawn on conservatives, and it's a sad sight to behold. Take, for example, this distraught post by Jay Nordlinger at the National Review. Nordlinger discusses the kinds of emails he's been getting from NRO readers:

Other readers said that Palin was finished, done: “I see that the polls have dramatically switched in Obama’s favor within just one week. I guess that the Borking — the destruction — of this governor is complete.” Another reader said, “I thought Sarah Palin would be a superstar. Now, she’ll be nothing more than a national joke. The Republicans haven’t fought back. The MSM has won.”

Yes, the MSM has really conspired to bring her down. First, they investigated her background because no one knew anything about her. Then they backed off when Republicans screamed that that it was sexist to ask basic questions about her background and qualifications. Then they effusively praised her convention speech. Then, after she refused to submit to even a single media interview for weeks, they had the temerity to suggest that a Vice Presidential candidate really should be interviewed. Then when one reporter finally got the chance, he asked some basic questions that she didn't answer particularly well. That's quite a conspiracy. But Nordlinger continues:

Then there is continuing amazement over the sheer hatred that Palin has aroused: “I am almost 60 and come from Massachusetts. In all my years, I have never seen anything like this, and don’t want to see it ever again. I have a friend who is both feminist and left-leaning. I asked her why they hate Palin so much. She said, ‘Because she’s had it all: family, career. And she did it without a man like Bill Clinton helping her. She did it on her own.’”

Yeah, that's definitely why left-leaning women don't like her. Because she made it on her own. In all seriousness, that may be the dumbest thing I've ever heard.


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He concludes with this:

I consider myself a very patriotic person, and I have been teased or damned all my life for my pro-American views — particularly in academic settings. But, I’m sorry, this is, in many ways, a sick country.


Boo hoo. People don't like Sarah Palin, and therefore we're a sick country. I wonder, has Nordingler ever listened to the folks on right wing radio talk about Michelle Obama? They hate her, spewing endless vile about how she's some kind of angry anti-American militant. And this entire caricature is based on a few statements taken completely out of context. She too is a "warm, civic-minded, talented mother." For that matter, so is Hillary Clinton, who right-wingers have spent the last 18 years hating passionately. Same goes for Nancy Pelosi and virtually every other female Democratic politician who has been the object of Republican hatred.

But let's return to the subject of Sarah Palin. Is it really so hard to understand why a certain segment of the population is so turned off by her? After all, she introduced herself to the country with a speech that--while well-delivered--was very mean-spirited and filled with cheap shots directed at her opponents (who had been nothing but respectful to her). It was a speech designed to rally the Republican base and, therefore, axiomatically, to piss off the Democratic base. That was the goal. Mission accomplished.

Moreover, Palin has spent her first few weeks in the national spotlight making transparently cynical overtures to Clinton voters (who have nothing in common with her) and repeatedly lying about her own record. People don't like being lied to. Sometimes they even come to despise the people who continue to do so even after their lies have been exposed. This is a very predictable response and hardly evidence that our nation is "sick."

Conservatives really need to get a grip. Palin just isn't the magical savior you thought she would be. Stop whining.


And, for the record, did you hear about Ms. P's decorative talents and creative financing skills (courtesy Talbot at Salon):

Sarah Palin has been touting herself as fiscal watchdog throughout her political career. But Palin's tenure as mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, was characterized by waste, cronyism and incompetence, according to government officials in the Matanuska Valley, where she began her fairy-tale political rise.

"Executive abilities? She doesn't have any," said former Wasilla City Council member Nick Carney, who selected and groomed Palin for her first political race in 1992 and served with her after her election to the City Council.

Four years later, the ambitious Palin won the Wasilla mayor's office -- after scorching the "tax and spend mentality" of her incumbent opponent. But Carney, Palin's estranged former mentor, and others in city hall were astounded when they found out about a lavish expenditure of Palin's own after her 1996 election. According to Carney, the newly elected mayor spent more than $50,000 in city funds to redecorate her office, without the council's authorization.

"I thought it was an outrageous expense, especially for someone who had run as a budget cutter," said Carney. "It was also illegal, because Sarah had not received the council's approval."

According to Carney, Palin's office makeover included flocked, red wallpaper. "It looked like a bordello."


Although Carney says he no longer has documentation of the expenditures, in his recollection Palin paid for the office face-lift with money from a city highway fund that was used to plow snow, grade roads and fill potholes -- essential municipal services, particularly in weather-battered Alaska.

Carney confronted Mayor Palin at a City Council hearing, and was shocked by her response.

"I braced her about it," he said. "I told her it was against the law to make such a large expenditure without the council taking a vote. She said, 'I'm the mayor, I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't.'"

"I'll never forget it -- it's one of the few times in my life I've been speechless," Carney added. "It would have been easier for her to finesse it. She had the votes on the council by then, she controlled it. But she just pushed forward. That's Sarah. She just has no respect for rules and regulations."


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Who’s Élite now, Bullwinkle?

The back-pressure is getting dangerously high. I have probably a score of links on useful, insightful political topics backlogged over the last week, never mind potential fulminations on books, movies, music, food, and etc. Between the old 8-to-5, maintaining civil relationships with those around me, reading, and finally finding time for a much-needed weekend workout in the mountains, there is a lot of potentially pending blog business.

So, with that as backdrop, I have a mix of links here, some stretching back to just after last post and some from today. I may or may not get back to my Middle Period of archived links.

I can't do better than lead off with this great post from James Fallows. While his immediate application has perhaps faded a little from view in light of the Palin/McSame ticket's willingness to lie, equivocate, and otherwise dissemble so repeatedly that even an occasional employee of the Mediopoly is expressing concern, his basic premise is very dear to my heart, to the point of almost a credo.

It is embarrassing to have to spell this out, but for the record let me explain why Gov. Palin's answer to the "Bush Doctrine" question -- the only part of the recent interview I have yet seen over here in China -- implies a disqualifying lack of preparation for the job.

Not the mundane job of vice president, of course, which many people could handle. Rather the job of potential Commander in Chief and most powerful individual on earth.

The spelling-out is lengthy, but I've hidden most of it below the jump.

Each of us has areas we care about, and areas we don't. If we are interested in a topic, we follow its development over the years. And because we have followed its development, we're able to talk and think about it in a "rounded" way. We can say: Most people think X, but I really think Y. Or: most people used to think P, but now they think Q. Or: the point most people miss is Z. Or: the question I'd really like to hear answered is A.

Here's the most obvious example in daily life: Sports Talk radio.

Mention a name or theme -- Brett Favre, the Patriots under Belichick, Lance Armstrong's comeback, Venus and Serena -- and anyone who cares about sports can have a very sophisticated discussion about the ins and outs and myth and realities and arguments and rebuttals.

People who don't like sports can't do that. It's not so much that they can't identify the names -- they've heard of Armstrong -- but they've never bothered to follow the flow of debate. I like sports -- and politics and tech and other topics -- so I like joining these debates. On a wide range of other topics -- fashion, antique furniture, the world of restaurants and fine dining, or (blush) opera -- I have not been interested enough to learn anything I can add to the discussion. So I embarrass myself if I have to express a view.

What Sarah Palin revealed is that she has not been interested enough in world affairs to become minimally conversant with the issues. Many people in our great land might have difficulty defining the "Bush Doctrine" exactly. But not to recognize the name, as obviously was the case for Palin, indicates not a failure of last-minute cramming but a lack of attention to any foreign-policy discussion whatsoever in the last seven years.

Two details in Charles Gibson's posing of the question were particularly telling. One was the potentially confusing way in which he first asked it. On the page, "the Bush Doctrine" looks different from "the Bush doctrine." But when hearing the question Palin might not have known whether Gibson was referring to the general sweep of Administration policy -- doctrine with small d -- or the rationale that connected 9/11 with the need to invade Iraq, the capital-D Doctrine. So initial confusion would be understandable -- as if a sports host asked about Favre's chances and you weren't sure if he meant previously with the Packers or with the Jets. Once Gibson clarified the question, a person familiar with the issue would have said, "Oh, if we're talking about the strategy that the President and Condoleezza Rice began laying out in 2002...." There was no such flash of recognition.

The other was Gibson's own minor mis-statement. American foreign policy has long recognized the concept of preemptive action: if you know somebody is just about to attack you, there's no debate about the legitimacy of acting first. (This is like "shooting in self-defense.") The more controversial part of The Bush Doctrine was the idea of preventive war: acting before a threat had fully emerged, on the theory that waiting until it was fully evident would mean acting too late.

Gibson used the word "preemptively" -- but if a knowledgeable person had pushed back on that point ("Well, preemption was what John F. Kennedy had in mind in acting against the imminent threat of Soviet missiles in Cuba"), Gibson would certainly have come back to explain the novelty of the "preventive war" point. Because he knows the issue, a minor mis-choice of words wouldn't get in the way of his real intent.

Sarah Palin did not know this issue, or any part of it. The view she actually expressed -- an endorsement of "preemptive" action -- was fine on its own merits. But it is not the stated doctrine of the Bush Administration, it is not the policy her running mate has endorsed, and it is not the concept under which her own son is going off to Iraq.

How could she not know this? For the same reason I don't know anything about European football/soccer standings, player trades, or intrigue. I am not interested enough. And she evidently has not been interested enough even to follow the news of foreign affairs during the Bush era.

A further point. The truly toxic combination of traits GW Bush brought to decision making was:

1) Ignorance
2) Lack of curiosity
3) "Decisiveness"

That is, he was not broadly informed to begin with (point 1). He did not seek out new information (#2); but he nonetheless prided himself (#3) on making broad, bold decisions quickly, and then sticking to them to show resoluteness.

We don't know for sure about #2 for Palin yet -- she could be a sponge-like absorber of information. But we know about #1 and we can guess, from her demeanor about #3. Most of all we know something about the person who put her in this untenable role.


This item calls for a hat tip to the Talking Points Memo braintrust. I'm not certain I have read a column by Ruth Marcus before. I get the sense she is not a particular Obama supporter or maybe even one inclined to pick a horse in the race (which of course would normally mean she would follow the lemmings in favoring McShame, the Mediopoly's Best Friend). But she does seem to have the capability to take in data, learn from it, and possibly change her stance. Those seem like good (quite rare) qualities in a journalist, to me:

Economists are not generally known for their lyrical phrasing. But the other day, one told me something about the election that has stuck with me: He cautioned against succumbing to the "symmetry of sin."

This unexpected snippet of political poetry, from a Democrat advising Barack Obama, was prompted by my expressed desire to hold both campaigns accountable for their lapses from good policy and honest argument. At which point my eloquent economist invoked the lure of false symmetry.

He was peddling a self-interested, but important, point: All campaigns fall short, but some fall far shorter than others. And it is a phony evenhandedness, comfortable for journalists but ultimately misleading, that equates these failures without measuring the grossness of their deviation from the standard of decency.

In the 2008 race, and especially in the past few weeks, the imbalance has become unnervingly stark. Ideological differences aside, John McCain's campaign has been more dishonest, more unfair, more -- to use a word that resonates with McCain -- dishonorable than Barack Obama's.


[She seems (perhaps by contract?) obliged to do a little balance/symmetry thing of her own here, the weakest part of the post imo, but then does get back on her feet:]

Both candidates are guilty of playing trivial pursuit in a serious season, campaigning from gotcha to gotcha. Obama also has eagerly taken every cheap shot -- McCain wants to stay in Iraq for 100 years, doesn't get the economy, can't count his own houses. Neither candidate is running the honest, confront-the-hard-questions campaign he promised.

McCain's transgressions, though, are of a different magnitude. His whoppers are bigger; there are more of them. He -- the easy out would be to say "his campaign" -- has been misleading, and at times has outright lied, about his opponent. He has misrepresented -- that's the charitable verb -- his vice presidential nominee's record. Called on these fouls, he has denied and repeated them.

The most outrageous of McCain's distortions involve Obama on taxes. He asserts that Obama's new taxes could "break your family budget," and that an Obama presidency would inflict "painful tax increases on working American families." Hardly. Obama would lower taxes for most households, and lower them more than McCain would. The only "painful tax increases on working American families" would be on working families making more than $250,000.

Likewise, the McCain campaign has its story about Sarah Palin, and it's sticking with it -- facts be damned. She said "thanks but no thanks" to that "Bridge to Nowhere," except that she didn't: She backed the bridge until it was unpopular, then scooped up the money and used it for other projects. More than a year after McCain began railing against the bridge, Palin, then a gubernatorial candidate, said the state should build it "now -- while our congressional delegation is in a strong position to assist."

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Sitting on the couch with the women of "The View" last week, McCain offered a litany of excuses for his conduct this time around: Obama's ads are hard-hitting, too. The tone wouldn't be so negative if Obama had agreed to more debates. McCain's own lipstick comment was different because he was referring to health care.

You had to wonder: Are there any corners left for McCain? Is there any reason to trust that a man running this campaign would go on to be an honest president?

Joan Walsh also had some great followup at Salon on the Gibson interview of Palin:

Republicans have tried to make 9/11 their own personal day of mourning and political commemoration. But 9/11/2008 could well be remembered as a low point in GOP history. It's the day we learned beyond any doubt that John McCain put his manhood in a blind trust to win the presidency. By most reports he wanted to pick Joe Lieberman as his running mate, but Karl Rove and James Dobson told him he couldn't. So he chose someone who is unprepared to be president, who could well put the country at risk were she ever called to assume the presidency.

The fact that Sarah Palin sat for her humiliating interview with ABC's Charles Gibson on 9/11 is one of those strange serendipitous events that makes one believe there's order in the universe. Remember how 9/11 changed everything, especially our new seriousness about the larger world and foreign policy? Never again would we risk a president, maybe not even a Senate candidate, without global experience and sophistication.

What a mockery Palin made of all that. I'll get criticized as sexist for saying this, but I would say the same thing about a man who sounded this ignorant: Talking to Charles Gibson tonight, Palin sometimes reminded me of poor Miss South Carolina, who, asked why many Americans can't find the U.S. on a map, famously said: "I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uh, some people out there in our nation don't have maps. And I believe that our education, like, such as in South Africa and the Iraq, everywhere, like such as, and I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., or should help South Africa and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our children."

This statement from Palin about Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is better, but not hugely: "I believe that under the leadership of Ahmadinejad, nucular weapons in the hands of his government are extremely dangerous to everyone on this globe, yes. We have got to make sure these weapons of mass destruction, that nucular weapons are not given to those hands of Ahmadinejad, not that he would use them, but that he would allow terrorists to be able to use them. So we have got to put the pressure on Iran."

Alex Koppelman immediately caught the biggest gaffe of the interview: Palin's deer-in-the-headlights ignorance about the "Bush doctrine" that claims for the U.S. the right to unilateral, "preventive" war against nations perceived as fomenting threats against us. Her answer committing us to defend Georgia or the Ukraine against Russia was almost as bad, and the way she spelled out what NATO membership means, by rote, you could see the quickly crammed index cards in the back of her brain. She put Israel in charge of our Iran policy. John McCain should be ashamed of himself. Ashamed, on 9/11, to have picked someone as ignorant and unready to be president as Sarah Palin.

[As I see it, McSame abandoned principle, honor, morals, and integrity many miles back. I appreciate the concept that he should be ashamed, and applaud the sentiment. He absolutely should be. He just is incapable of shame now. You might as well fuss over the lack of cufflinks on that fellow in the gutter. I remember wondering if it was a good thing when Garth Brooks was shameless. As I recall, that was a case of infatuation, possibly involving a testosterone-induced failure to grasp the difference between right and wrong. We have a far more serious failure to make that distinction here.]

People who like that sort of thing are going to like Palin's interview, a lot. Apparently, there is a constituency of people who want their president to be just like them, who want him or her to be someone they can have a beer with, to be just as clueless and uninformed as they are. But I believe that's a small constituency. I believe that most Americans, most independents, and serious, patriotic conservatives, are going to see this interview and be very, very afraid. Her combative act didn't really work on Gibson; neither did familiarly peppering her sentences with "Charlie." Charlie did not seem charmed.

[I have come to believe much of the original support, and most of the little that remains for our little chimp-bully was a direct or indirect result of his absolute lack of capability or prior credentials. If he could do it, virtually anyone could. That probably doesn't strike you as a qualification for important office, but then you probably are one of those elitist thinking sorts. It seems there are more than a few out there who thrill to the idea of Bubba making good. I could have gone to high school with him. If I'd gone to high school. And if he had. Etc.]

I think some liberals owe Charles Gibson an apology; he asked decent questions and followed up well; he really couldn't hide some natural human surprise at how poorly prepared -- though well-coached -- Palin seemed to be. But in fact, it's good luck that liberals savaged Gibson for his treatment of Obama in the Democratic debate last February. It will insulate him a bit from GOP attempts to shoot the messenger, which are inevitable.

And this by George Saunders, entitled "My Gal," just seems to pull it all together (or it may cause fluids to blow out of your nose):

Explaining how she felt when John McCain offered her the Vice-Presidential spot, my Vice-Presidential candidate, Governor Sarah Palin, said something very profound: “I answered him ‘Yes’ because I have the confidence in that readiness and knowing that you can’t blink, you have to be wired in a way of being so committed to the mission, the mission that we’re on, reform of this country and victory in the war, you can’t blink. So I didn’t blink then even when asked to run as his running mate.”

Isn’t that so true? I know that many times, in my life, while living it, someone would come up and, because of I had good readiness, in terms of how I was wired, when they asked that—whatever they asked—I would just not blink, because, knowing that, if I did blink, or even wink, that is weakness, therefore you can’t, you just don’t. You could, but no—you aren’t.

That is just how I am.

[Scuze please - this is almost like intruding on a Jerry Lewis/Dean Martin skit. Seinfeld re-run tonight featured George sabotaging himself at every turn due to grapefruit squirt in eye producing uncontrollable wink. One of the Comedy Channel shows clearly documented ghb's obsession with not blinking, obviously channeled - perhaps force-fed - by Palin. Are they using Jerry's syndication as their working script, much as Guantanamo Bay and other US torture-research facilities dropped tools to learn at the behest of "24"?]

Do you know the difference between me and a Hockey Mom who has forgot her lipstick?

A dog collar.

Do you know the difference between me and a dog collar smeared with lipstick?

Not a damn thing.

We are essentially wired identical.

So, when Barack Obama says he will put some lipstick on my pig, I am, like, Are you calling me a pig? If so, thanks! Pigs are the most non-Élite of all barnyard animals. And also, if you put lipstick on my pig, do you know what the difference will be between that pig and a pit bull? I’ll tell you: a pit bull can easily kill a pig. And, as the pig dies, guess what the Hockey Mom is doing? Going to her car, putting on more lipstick, so that, upon returning, finding that pig dead, she once again looks identical to that pit bull, which, staying on mission, the two of them step over the dead pig, looking exactly like twins, except the pit bull is scratching his lower ass with one frantic leg, whereas the Hockey Mom is carrying an extra hockey stick in case Todd breaks his again. But both are going, like, Ha ha, where’s that dumb pig now? Dead, that’s who, and also: not a smidge of lipstick.

A lose-lose for the pig.

There’s a lesson in that, I think.

Who does that pig represent, and that collar, and that Hockey Mom, and that pit bull?

You figure it out. Then give me a call.

Seriously, give me a call.

Now, let us discuss the Élites. There are two kinds of folks: Élites and Regulars. Why people love Sarah Palin is, she is a Regular. That is also why they love me. She did not go to some Élite Ivy League college, which I also did not. Her and me, actually, did not go to the very same Ivy League school. Although she is younger than me, so therefore she didn’t go there slightly earlier than I didn’t go there. But, had I been younger, we possibly could have not graduated in the exact same class. That would have been fun. Sarah Palin is hot. Hot for a politician. Or someone you just see in a store. But, happily, I did not go to college at all, having not finished high school, due to I killed a man. But had I gone to college, trust me, it would not have been some Ivy League Élite-breeding factory but, rather, a community college in danger of losing its accreditation, built right on a fault zone, riddled with asbestos, and also, the crack-addicted professors are all dyslexic.

Sarah Palin was also the mayor of a very small town. To tell the truth, this is where my qualifications begin to outstrip even hers. I have never been the mayor of anything. I can’t even spell right. I had help with the above, but now— Murray, note to Murray: do not correct what follows. Lets shoe the people how I rilly spel Mooray and punshuate so thay can c how reglar I am, and ther 4 fit to leed the nashun, do to: not sum mistir fansy pans.

OK Mooray. Get corecting agin!

Thanks, Murray, you’re fabulous. Very good at what you do. Actually, Murray, come to think of it, you are so good, I suspect you are some kind of Élite. You are fired, Murray, as soon as this article is done. I’m going to hire someone Regular, who is not so excellent, and lives off the salt of the land and the fat of his brow and the sweat of his earth. Although I hope he’s not a screw-up.

I’m finding it hard to concentrate, as my eyes are killing me, due to I have not blinked since I started writing this. And, me being Regular, it takes a long time for me to write something this long.

Where was I? Ah, yes: I hate Élites. Which is why, whenever I am having brain surgery, or eye surgery, which is sometimes necessary due to all my non-blinking, I always hire some random Regular guy, with shaking hands if possible, who is also a drunk, scared of the sight of blood, and harbors a secret dislike for me.

Now, let’s talk about slogans. Ours is: Country First. Think about it. When you think of what should come first, what does? Us ourselves? No. That would be selfish. Our personal families? Selfish. God? God is good, I love Him, but, as our slogan suggests, no, sorry, God, You are not First. No, you don’t, Lord! How about: the common good of all mankind! Is that First? Don’t make me laugh with your weak blinking! No! Mercy is not First and wisdom is not First and love is super but way near the back, and ditto with patience and discernment and compassion and all that happy crap, they are all back behind Country, in the back of my S.U.V., which— Here is an example! Say I am about to run over a nun or orphan, or an orphan who grew up to become a nun—which I admire that, that is cool, good bootstrapping there, Sister—but then God or whomever goes, “It is My will that you hit that orphaned nun, do not ask Me why, don’t you dare, and I say unto thee, if you do not hit that nun, via a skillful swerve, your Country is going to suffer, and don’t ask Me how, specifically, as I have not decided that yet!” Well, I am going to do my best to get that nun in one felt swope, because, at the Convention, at which my Vice-Presidential candidate kicked mucho butt, what did the signs there say? Did they say “Orphaned Nuns First” and then there is a picture of a sad little nun with a hobo pack?

Not in my purview.

Sarah Palin knows a little something about God’s will, knowing God quite well, from their work together on that natural-gas pipeline, and what God wills is: Country First. And not just any country! There was a slight error on our signage. Other countries, such as that one they have in France, reading our slogan, if they can even read real words, might be all, like, “Hey, bonjour, they are saying we can put our country, France, first!” Non, non, non, France! What we are saying is, you’d better put our country first, you merde-heads, or soon there will be so much lipstick on your pit bulls it will make your berets spin!

In summary: Because my candidate, unlike your winking/blinking Vice-Presidential candidate, who, though, yes, he did run as the running mate when the one asking him to run did ask him to run, which that I admire, one thing he did not do, with his bare hands or otherwise, is, did he ever kill a moose? No, but ours did. And I would. Please bring a moose to me, over by me, and down that moose will go, and, if I had a kid, I would take a picture of me showing my kid that dead moose, going, like, Uh, sweetie, no, he is not resting, he is dead, due to I shot him, and now I am going to eat him, and so are you, oh yes you are, which is responsible, as God put this moose here for us to shoot and eat and take a photo of, although I did not, at that time, know why God did, but in years to come, God’s will was revealed, which is: Hey, that is a cool photo for hunters about to vote to see, plus what an honor for that moose, to be on the Internet.

How does the moose feel about it? Who knows? Probably not great. But do you know what the difference is between a dead moose with lipstick on and a dead moose without lipstick?

Lipstick.

Think about it.

Moose are, truth be told, Élites. They are big and fast and sort of rule the forest. Sarah took that one down a notch. Who’s Élite now, Bullwinkle?

Not Sarah.

She’s just Regular as heck.